When Shame Turns to Anger: Why Sexual Assault Survivors May Feel So Angry
When we talk about how people respond to sexual assault, I think most of us have a pretty specific picture in our heads.
We imagine someone crying. Someone who is depressed, withdrawn, anxious, or completely shut down. We think about someone who is struggling to leave the house or having a hard time talking about what happened.
And those reactions absolutely happen.
But there is another reaction I see quite often in my work with sexual assault survivors.
Anger.
Sometimes… a LOT of it.
Survivors can be angry at the person who assaulted them. They can be angry at family members or caregivers who didn't protect them. They can be angry at people who didn't believe them, didn't notice what was happening, or responded in ways that made an already painful experience even worse.
And sometimes, they're angry at themselves.
I want to be very clear about something before we go any further: sexual assault is not the survivor's fault. Anger toward yourself does not mean you actually did something wrong. Survivors are often taught, directly or indirectly, to question their own choices, reactions, clothing, behavior, judgment, or decisions surrounding an assault. That kind of self-blame can become incredibly painful.
Throughout my work in sexual trauma therapy, I have noticed that sometimes anger is easier to access than shame.
And sometimes, when we can understand what that anger is trying to tell us, we can begin creating a little more room for everything else life has to offer.
Anger Can Be a Very Understandable Response to Sexual Trauma
Think about what sexual assault or sexual abuse can take away from someone.
Choice. Control. Safety. Trust. Sometimes relationships. Sometimes a sense of connection to their own body. Sometimes the ability to feel comfortable in situations that once felt completely ordinary. There is a lot to be angry about.
You may be angry that someone hurt you. You may be angry that someone you trusted betrayed you. You may be angry that the people who were supposed to protect you didn't. You may be angry that other people get to move through the world without thinking about things you now have to think about constantly. You may be angry that you have to work so hard to feel safe in your own body. And you may be angry that something someone else chose to do has changed the way you experience your own life.
None of this makes you a bad person.
Anger can make a lot of sense when something deeply unfair has happened to you.
Why Am I So Angry at Myself?
This is one of the more painful pieces of sexual trauma.
You can know, logically, that what happened wasn't your fault and still feel incredibly angry at yourself.
You might be asking yourself:
Why didn't I leave?
Why didn't I say no differently?
Why did I trust them?
Why didn't I fight back?
Why did I go there?
Why didn't I realize what was happening?
Why didn't I tell someone sooner?
There is so much cultural messaging around sexual assault that teaches survivors to look backward and figure out what they could have done differently. We ask what they were wearing, drinking, or doing at the time. We ask why they went home with someone they felt uncomfortable around, why they didn't leave, scream, fight, or tell someone. We can say all day long that survivors aren't to blame, but those messages still find their way into people's heads. And sometimes shame follows.
Shame can sound like,
Something is wrong with me.
I should have known better.
I should have stopped it.
I'm damaged now.
I’m stuck like this.
That is a really heavy thing to carry.
Sometimes Anger Is Easier to Feel Than Shame
Shame is incredibly vulnerable.
It asks us to turn inward and look at the parts of ourselves that hurt the most. It can make us want to hide, disconnect, or disappear.
Anger feels different. It has energy, it can feel powerful, and it can create distance between us and something that feels incredibly painful. Sometimes it feels much easier to be angry than to sit with the sadness, fear, grief, powerlessness, or shame underneath it.
That doesn't mean every angry reaction is secretly shame. Emotions are complicated, and there isn't always one simple explanation for why someone feels the way they do. In my work with sexual trauma survivors, I have found it incredibly helpful to become curious about anger rather than immediately trying to get rid of it.
Instead of asking:
"How do we make this anger go away?"
I might wonder:
"What is this anger trying to tell us?"
What happened right before it showed up? What feels unfair? What feels unsafe? What feels vulnerable? What does this anger want someone else to understand?
And sometimes, underneath all of that anger, there is a much more vulnerable emotion that hasn't felt safe enough to come forward yet. That might be shame, but it could also be grief, fear, sadness, helplessness, or something else entirely.
In therapy with me, we take things at your pace. We work with emotions in manageable amounts and pay attention to what feels doable, what feels overwhelming, and what you need in the moment.
When Anger Comes Out Around the People You Love
Many survivors feel confused when their anger starts to come out around those they care about the most. You might find yourself snapping at your partner, family member, friend, or anyone who is genuinely trying to support you. You might become frustrated when they ask questions. You might feel angry when they try to help.
You might even wonder, Why am I taking this out on the people who actually care about me?
Again, this doesn't mean that every expression of anger is okay or that other people aren't allowed to have boundaries. But it can be helpful to understand what is happening underneath the reaction.
The people closest to us are often the people who see the parts of us that we work hardest to hide from everyone else. That can make relationships complicated after trauma.
Confusing relational reactions may include (but are not limited to):
Desperately wanting connection while simultaneously feeling terrified of being vulnerable
Wanting someone to understand you while also becoming angry when they ask questions
Needing support from those around you while also wanting to isolate yourself
Wanting to feel close to someone while your body is simultaneously telling you closeness isn't safe
None of this means you are incapable of having healthy relationships. It means there is a lot happening underneath the surface.
You Don't Have to Make Yourself Smaller in Therapy
One of the things I hear from survivors is that they have become accustomed to managing everyone else's reactions to their emotions. They've been told they're too angry, emotional, or sensitive. They’ve been told they’re too much or not enough. They’ve learned to reduce their own emotional experiences to make other people more comfortable.
I don't want therapy to be another place where you have to do that.
I've had clients come into my office with a lot of anger. Sometimes they are surprised by how comfortable I am sitting with it. I don’t get scared of big reactions. I don’t assume that anger means someone is dangerous, difficult, or unwilling to participate in therapy. I’m more interested in what the reaction is trying to communicate.
That doesn't mean we ignore the impact our behavior can have on other people. It also doesn't mean therapy becomes a place where anything goes. It simply means we can make room for the emotion without allowing the emotion to become the entire story.
Sometimes the most important thing a person can experience is realizing that they can have a really big emotional reaction and the person sitting across from them is still going to be there. Still listening, curious, steady, and willing to talk about it. I’m here for it all.
We Don't Have to Figure Everything Out at Once
Sometimes there is an expectation that trauma therapy means immediately digging into everything that happened. That isn't how I approach this work.
In our sessions, I frequently check in about the pace of treatment, help you identify the “tells” of when you’ve hit your limit, and encourage open communication so you feel safe enough to say when that’s happened. If you have spent years feeling overwhelmed by shame, anger, or other trauma responses, I don't think you need another person telling you to just push through it.
We will slow down, notice what is happening, and work with emotions in manageable amounts. Sometimes that means talking about what happened. Sometimes it means talking about what is happening now. Sometimes it means understanding how the trauma continues to affect relationships, trust, intimacy, self-worth, or the way you see yourself. And, sometimes that means talking about your new favorite reality show or laughing about the outrageously funny new saying your kid’s been repeating.
The goal isn't to force yourself to feel everything all at once. In fact, sometimes learning that you don't have to do everything at once can be incredibly important.
Making Room for More Than Trauma
One of the things I care most about in sexual trauma therapy is helping people build lives that are bigger than what happened to them.
I don't want your entire life to revolve around managing trauma. I want there to eventually be room for other things, too. When it comes to goals for treatment, maybe some of these sound familiar:
Improving my relationships
Finding supportive community
Feeling joy again
Allowing myself rest
Exploring sexuality and intimacy (only if this is something important to you!)
Feeling comfortable in my own skin again
Experiencing a good day without feeling guilty for having one
Sometimes reducing the impact of shame isn't about suddenly feeling wonderful all the time. Sometimes it's about creating enough space that shame isn't making every decision for you.
Anger, sadness, and overwhelm will still be there from time to time. Some days will be harder than others. But perhaps those emotions don't have to control every relationship, every decision, or every part of your identity. There can be room for them without giving them the entire room.
You Are Allowed to Take Up Space
I don't believe healing requires survivors to become quieter, easier, or less emotional. I don't believe you need to make your pain more comfortable for the people around you. And I don't believe anger makes you a bad person.
Sometimes anger has something important to say. Sometimes it is protecting something incredibly vulnerable. Sometimes it is telling us that a boundary was crossed, something was taken from you, or something still hurts.
We can listen to it without allowing it to run your entire life. We can become curious about it. We can make room for what is underneath it. And, over time, we can work toward a life where there is room for anger and connection. Shame and self-compassion. Grief and joy.
Your trauma can be part of your story without having to be the only thing your story is about.
If you're looking for sexual trauma therapy in Evansville, Indiana, or virtual sexual trauma therapy in Indiana or Illinois, I work with survivors who are navigating anger, shame, self-blame, relationships, intimacy, and the many ways trauma can continue to affect life long after the assault itself. My approach is relational, collaborative, and focused on helping you understand what your emotions are trying to communicate rather than simply trying to make them go away.
You don't have to make yourself smaller to be worthy of being heard.
Schedule a free 15-minute consultation to see if we’re a good fit!
A note for survivors: If reading this brought up difficult emotions, you don't have to process everything right now. Take a break, step away from the screen, or reach out to someone you trust if you need support. If you find yourself in a crisis situation, please dial 911, 988, or visit https://rainn.org/help-and-healing/hotline/ for further crisis resources for sexual trauma.